Today

Today I finally took the time to clean my home. Well, part of it anyway. I cleaned the kids' bathroom and the front room/dinning areas. I got a call about mid-morning asking if we could feed the missionaries today. I almost said no... Allen has his last ever final tomorrow and I was watching our niece Faith most of the day. But then I thought that Allen needed the blessing of having the sweet spirit that those young men bring. I hoped that by sacrificing our time and resources to feed God's servants, perhaps we can call done the blessing of heaven and get this school thing done. Of course Allen still has to pass the bar, but one step at a time. 

I guess I needed it too. Over the past few years I've struggled with my testimony. It's not that I have changed what I believe or know is true, but that my spiritual connection to my Heavenly Father has waned. I gave myself the excuse that I was too tired to read my scriptures at the end of the day (or at the beginning, I'm SO not a morning person) and that it was to hard to get out of bed and pray. Knowing why things have happened, doesn't make it easier to change. But, I feel so blessed by my Father in Heaven. He gave me this weekend.

This weekend was amazing! I was able to see one of my very best friends sealed in the temple. I have watched helpless as she struggled through the hurt and pain of an ugly divorce ten years ago. I worried over her as I saw her making painful decisions. And I marveled that as she worked to find her footing and make it back to full fellowship in the church. My heart leaped for joy when she told me about her sweet guy, and I knew he was special. It was wonderful to watch as they took hands across the alter of the temple and became a forever family!

I was asked a couple of weeks ago by one of the ladies I visit teach if my spiritual connection feels strong. I told her is waxes and wanes... I could feel she has been struggling a little too, and that she wanted to know that she wasn't the only one who feels that way sometimes. It got me thinking about my own spiritual health. How I can get so busy doing things that don't really matter (sorry facebook but you are WAY up there on that list) and not take the time I need for me. I have 3 kids under the age of 5, the demands on my time and attention are many. Often, I've felt my well is going dry. And then I attend an activity of some sort... And I feel so much better. I know my Heavenly Father knows my needs, loves me and wants happiness for me. I just sometimes forget to listen... ugh!

Several months ago, I had an epiphany. I looked around at the women I knew, and realized we are all struggling with something. That I'm not alone! Sometimes we all feel isolated, and it's OK. Be you fat, thin, cute, not so cute, old, young, somewhere in the middle... we all need one another. And that's why our kind Heavenly Father put the Relief Society in place. He knew that as sisters we need one another. And the greatest thing of all is that all the great and wonderful women I know are my sisters! And I am so grateful for that knowledge. I had been stuck worrying about how I wasn't good enough to do things. I was so busy comparing myself to others that I forgot all the wonderful talents I've been blessed with. But guess what? Heavenly Father hadn't forgotten... And he forced me to quite hiding those things.

First I got an email from an old professor of mine. His wife runs a tiny private school and they needed someone to teach middle school science. I sat on the email for almost a week. I was scared, we had just had Beka. I didn't want to burden anyone with having to watch my THREE kids! And what did I know about science anyway... (I just got my degree in that stuff! Duh, stupid little voice in my head) Self doubt sucks! But with encouragement from Allen, his parents and mine, I took the job. And it has been great. It's forced me to think about the stuff I learned in collage, trying to remember the math and ideas. It's fun to teach someone something more than abcs and colors.

Second I got a new calling... and I was terrified! They wanted me to play the piano in primary. To some this may not seem like a big deal, but to me it was. I hadn't practiced much since Allen and I got married... OK, let me be completely honest, I hadn't really practiced since I changed degree programs a year and half before Allen and I got married... At the time of my degree change I was suffering from a bad case of performance anxiety. I would start to shake so bad I couldn't play. Not good for a music major huh? I also have a little bit of carpal tone in my right hand, so if I sleep on it wrong my fingers go numb randomly. But I took the call anyway. I'm still muddling my way through many of the songs, but my performance anxiety is getting so much better. I'd never played for people singing, so this experience is really making me grow! In such a good way.

Third, getting a calling as a visiting teaching supervisor. This means making phone calls... Something I HATE to do! My stomach starts to hurt, I get all shaky... it's bad. But the call is making me more aware of this sisters around me. And forcing me to confront my fear of the phone!

Finally, becoming friends with Erin. She has pushed me (she may not know that, but she really has). She has pushed me try in things with my photography and to improve myself.  To learn how to do things better and try new things. She also helps me to remember that my babies wont be little for long so I need to enjoy this time when the still really need me. I feel blessed to have such a wonderful girl in my life.

So, for today I am grateful for all that I've been give. I am working on things I need to do. I have faith that some how some way the Lord knows what he is doing with our family and I just need to hold on. Life is getting ready to change for our family. I pray it involves many of you. I'm trying very hard not to be so scared anymore... The future is a little scary. We don't know where we will be in 3 months or where Allen will be working (He will be working! I have faith that something will happen for him).... It's all kinda weird and up in the air. But my Father in Heaven will be watching over me and my family and we will be great!

And that's today.